December 16, 2014
I just found this way way way down in the drafts section of my blog...and the girl I was months ago when I wrote this would have never had the guts to post this but I know I'm not the only girl to have ever gotten her heart broken and I think there is something to be learned so that the next girl knows it's not like this forever! I want to post this to show you all that life gets better and no matter how far deep into the hole you think you are that you will find a way out and that you will be stronger than you ever thought you possibly could be! If it was not for getting my heart broken I wouldn't be where I am today... I'm a 20 year old girl, that is going to get to move to the city of her dreams this summer, working at a dream internship, with the best friends a girl could ask for! 

So without further is a personal look into the brain of a 20 year old girl that at the time never saw an end to her own "Personal Hell". I hope this also serves as an explanation as to why I did not post on this blog for such a long time! 

Okay so I think we all know that Taylor Swift song "Red" and if you haven't heard this song please stop reading and go listen to it on YouTube or read the lyrics before continuing to read the rest of this...

There is one lyric in this song that I literally for the life of me cannot seem to get out of my mind... "Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met"... 

Now before I get all sentimental on this blog I know this blog is supposed to be all glitter and rainbows and about me chasing my dreams but when I originally created it, it was seriously just my place where I could put my thoughts and share my ideas and just escape from what seemed to be a world that at the time was collapsing on me.

I started this blog a day after the boy I have been truly head over heels for since the day I met him on my senior homecoming told me there was someone else in the picture. Not just like "hey there is this girl I met" no I am talking like "this girl has been in the picture the past 4 years and I can't keep splitting my time between the two of you". This blog was created to literally give myself a distraction from my thoughts and my reality! I wanted to create this perfect place where I could log on with a few simple clicks and be happy... where everything for once seemed right.

However, the more I come on here and try to put on this happy face and forget about someone who at one time or another meant so much to me it puts me down even more... I know I am literally sounding like a druggy right now acting like this blog gives me a temporary high before I crash again but that is seriously how I feel.

Rewind back to the Taylor Swift lyric... I truly don't think I could have said how I have been thinking better myself. I'm truly having to get my brain to forget someone that I never thought I would have to. It's even funnier because me and him once said to one another that the reason we kept coming back to each other even when things didn't work out or we would fight is because trying to forget about one another was way harder than not having each other in our lives.

This feeling that I go through everyday seriously is one of the shittiest feelings I have ever felt in my life and I have had days where I seriously think back and wish I had never introduced myself to him on that rainy November night. I know my life at this moment would be so different if I hadn't said those simple words "Hi my name's Lauren" yet I can't tell if it would be a good different or a bad different and I think that is what haunts me.

The only reason why I felt the need to type this was because I hate seeming like one of those girls that has all her shit together... because in reality if I tried to draw out what my life seems like to me right now it would be me laying in an empty room on the floor trying to figure out where to go from here...

Who knows if I will ever have the guts to post this too the world but for now it was the best form of therapy a girl could have ever asked for...

So if anything I hope this post shows you all that I truly am a real person with real feelings! If anything I am forever thankful for my first heart break because it finally gave me the motivation I needed to start focusing on myself and my dreams and stop focusing on someone that didn't give a damn about me! I would by lying though if I still don't have a fantasy of running into him one day at the Grocery Store in my Louboutins looking like a straight up Bad Bitch...because that girl is going to blow him a little kiss and then tell him he can kiss my perfectly toned ass!
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